Friday, December 4, 2009

just me and i.

someone hold hands with me
walking to the city of insanity
that's my place to be.
irregular and unseen that's my sanity
the few I've let in know my personality
no turning back now it's become reality
I yelled for help! no one listened, just an unheard tragedy.
kind of sad ta see a young boy mislead livin in poverty
strugglin through depression and a hateful humanity
he's gonna strive through so happily
he's gonna make it one day you just wait and see

Monday, November 2, 2009

love of mine.

someday you'll be mine

Monday, August 24, 2009

strongly hoping.

that things are looking up for me. optimist as always and it seems to always pull through.
we'll see.

good things are coming
..good things

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

heart broken.

wow.......... < / 3
what's worse is she has no idea, or doesn't seem to care.
not totally her fault anyways, i blame myself.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

waiting on the world to change.

or really just myself and some of the people around me. i don't see how things can go from good and getting better to just complete shit in the blink of an eye! it's mind blowing. i find myself seriously debating on having my mind set back to just money and myself, things seemed more simple when i had no expectations of people and i just disappeared. i had walls before but they just got reinforced to the extreme! it'd be remarkable to see someone slip right through them. doubt that's gonna happen though.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


shit happens


Friday, July 3, 2009

random oddity.

i like eating nacho cheese doritos with milk late at night. 

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Saturday, June 20, 2009


so i don't want to give a title to what i feel for this girl but its beginning to look a lot like 'title', i met her about 4 years ago; give or take and to this day i still light up everytime i see her like ridiculousy! i can't help but have this ear to ear smile when i'm with her. when isn't she on my mind? rarely am i intimidated by the opposite sex, but in this case intimidated is what i am. i really want to see where this is going to go, not to mention almost all of my friends want it to happen already. don't think i'm quite ready for it though, hopefully i will be shortly and she'll still be there

Sunday, May 31, 2009

mr. brightside.

on the upside of things, i've accomplished three out of ten goals(3/10) i've set for myself and i'm super stoked about it. planning on finishing all ten before this year is through and setting another ten if not twenty goals! my life at this point is going up, hit one small bump but already climbing back up from it. far as being alienated from everybody goes, i'm kind of coming back out of my own head but not quite i still have to get my head right and its nowhere near ready.

hopefully soon...

shit happens.

seriously i used to throw this phrase around without a care in the world but fuck, shit really does happen when you're careless and not thinking straight. did something i never thought i would do, ever. won't happen again but its just crazy thinking about it. a hypocrite is something i thought i'd never be haha guess not!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

so weird.

i'm actually really content with my life right now.
ALMOST happy, i'll reach it soon.

Monday, May 18, 2009

working man.

this income and productive use of time should make a huge difference.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

get with the program.

time keeps moving but my life seems to stay in the same exact spot. i procrastinate for absolutely no apparent reason about everything and anything and i'm simply over it. changing my life for the better, sorry if it hurts or alienates anybody but it has to be done and it has to be done now.


Friday, May 8, 2009

just a glance.

i keep finding myself looking at things i shouldn't or better yet don't need to look at for some odd reason, but i keep doing it. it's like 20% of me wishes it was me but then again the other 80% is kind of relieved that it isn't. either way my life is slowly but surely starting to unravel in its great adventerous way. i've had great things and people in my life, but now i want incredible and indescribable things and people in my life. well whatever's up the road for me i'm sure i'll hit plenty of speed bumps along the way.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


voice of an angel<3

Friday, May 1, 2009


makes my world go round
it turns me upside down
makes me lose my frown

its my daily dose of sanity

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


(i wish i wrote this but i didn't)

Have you ever noticed that the pacing, tone and story development of Pokemon changes after Ash is hit by lightning in the early episodes, how Ash and his world were relatively normal until after the incident?

I have a theory.

The accident with the bike put Ash into a coma. Days later he was found and was hurried to the hospital and treated with heavy medications, which is why Team Rocket became less menacing. The medication took effect and stabilized his coma dreams so that instead of being terrifying, they became idyllic, allowing him to live out his Pokemon master fantasies.

After the beginning episodes, the series is the result of Ash’s subconscious mind fulfilling his desires, as well as attempting to escape reality. Should Ash realize he’s in a coma, he would wake up, but suffer brain damage, so he must take down all of his mental barriers one by one until he can come to grips with who he is and escape his coma (since his mind will not allow him to escape until he’s come to terms with himself).

Further evidence comes from the realization that even though his journeys take him vast distances, he never travels on a bike due to having developed a phobia.

The coma and fantasy explains why he doesn’t change much physically. It also explains the worldwide socialism, as he thought up a safe system of government that would run smoothly and keep the world going, allowing his adventures to work like they do. It also explains how a child can go off on his own into a world full of dangerous and untamed animals, and why town has the same police officer and every Pokemon centre has the exact same nurse. Joy and Jenny he knew from his hometown, and they act as a safety net or anchor, allowing him to feel safe no matter where he goes. Joy and Jenny represent stability. The professors represent Ash’s ideals, which is why Gary became a professor. The fantasy also explains why every time he enters a new region, virtually no one has heard of him, despite his conquests.How could Paul, the rival of the Sinnoh area, not know of someone who has placed in at least the top 16 of all three leagues and has destroyed the Orange League and Battle Frontier?

Moving on to the characters closer to him, Ash’s traveling partners are aspects of himself that he can enjoy, but doesn’t like to associate with himself. Brock is Ash’s repressed sexuality. Ash fell into the coma a virgin and needed an outlet for his growing sexual frustrations — since he can never experience sex, Brock must never succeed. But Brock isn’t just a projection of Ash’s sexuality, he is also a projection of Ash’s fatherly instincts. Brock leaves his siblings to journey with Ash because Ash can’t cope with having that much responsibility at his age. Brock’s stay with professor Ivy was an attempt to outright suppress his sexuality. You may notice that James got much more dialogue in this part of the series, as well as getting more touchy-feely with his Pokemon and exposing most of his backstory. Ash didn’t enjoy this much, which is why Brock comes back horrified and refuses to speak about it (Ash’s subconscious was repressing him at the time, so other than a general feeling of dread, he has no idea of what happened). Further evidence of Brock being Ash’s sexuality is that he keeps returning to the series after Ash meets a new girl aspect of himself.

Misty is the first such aspect we encounter. Because she is the first and because she is merely an aspect of Ash are explanations for why Misty plays so prominently in the show but is ultimately unattainable (because he never really knew her before the coma). Since Misty is his initial love interest — if only subconsciously — he needed her to reach a certain level of womanhood. He felt that people could only have relationships after they’ve matured. In practice, though, he finds that he can’t cope with it (lacking the real-world experience) and wants the normal pushy, arrogant Misty he knew, thus not letting her keep Togepi. We can see this arc in the constant berating of his sexuality (Brock), but her eventual mellowing until she had faded into the background. Since Ash was quite attached to her, this was traumatizing and after this experience, anyone around him “threatening” to mature quickly ends up leaving for another, more naive fill-in.

Gary Oak is what Ash wants to be. He is wish fulfillment. He succeeded, and then settled down to a normal life. Ash needs someone to succeed in his world or he won’t be able to validate it and will start questioning why he is where he is. It’s a subconscious trap to keep him from becoming too aware of his situation. His mind must have figured out that awareness of the coma would snap him out of it, but it would cause brain damage, so it took something the boy already loved and built a way out for him with it. However, Ash is too complacent to make a final stand and fight his way out of it, and so cannot escape. This is why he keeps encountering Legendary Pokemon. They’re his mind’s way of showing him he can do great things if he tries, and it’s a way to encourage him to push forwards.

Team Rocket are the qualities of himself that Ash deems “negative” but is coming to terms with. Jesse and James want to appease Giovanni, Ash’s father figure, and Jessie will trick the submissive James into doing her bidding to achieve this. Meowth especially wants to appease him because he remembers the good times with Giovanni. This places Meowth in a category known as Ash’s (corrupted) innocence. This is apparent because Meowth is able to speak. In fact, the whole reason Meowth can speak is so that Ash can eventually accept the aspects of Team Rocket as parts of himself.

Ash has issues with his father, so he put him atop the evil corporation and demonized him. There may be an actual Team Rocket (in the real world) but it’s doubtful that Ash’s father is their leader. Ash likely feels that the split between his parents was partly his fault, but also partly blames his father. The split caused his mother to move out of the city, down to Pallet Town and is one reason why Ash initially embarks upon the journey: to escape the turmoil at home. But the whole organization, including Butch and Cassidy, is symbolic of his inability to escape his father’s machinations.

James is implied homosexuality (which does not necessarily make Ash homosexual) and gullibility, and Jesse is vanity and manipulation. Since Meowth has the potential for rehabilitation, and doesn’t want to be evil, this once again fits in with the conflicting personalities and demonized-self theory. Team Rocket cross-dresses because Ash is exploring his sexuality (a different facet than what Brock represents) and this was a method that allowed his gay/vain side to experiment freely. When he found that it wasn’t something for him, his “free” side stopped playing with it.

Max came with May. He played the ego and she played the id with great aspirations in that “session”. They worked for a little while, but with Ash being a teenager, his sexuality had to come back into play. He kept reinventing himself and eventually wrote new aspects, but his mind slowly brought the old ones back as a crutch to make the transition easier.

Dawn is Ash giving himself a chance to love. Since he already established Misty as someone he’s not likely to go anywhere with, he created a new super female, one that was more like him, and less violent. You may note that while both May and Misty had no tolerance for Brock, Dawn seems to try to shrug it off.

Tracey, the Breeder, was a possible future for Ash that he discarded. This future was one that he sent off to work with the professor (Ash’s ultimate ideal of a father figure) when Tracey disrupted the dynamic Ash had with his other possibilities. With Ash’s mind fighting the coma and Ash viewing this person as a companion, Tracey was quickly replaced with a more threatening rival.

Pikachu represents Ash’s humanity, hence the episodes where they get separated and Ash wants desperately to find him, even to the point of working with the Rockets (aspects of himself he would never normally associate with) but for some reason cannot. Team Rocket want to steal Pikachu and hand him over to Giovanni. Jesse and James will always oppose Ash because Ash is terrified of the thought of his humanity lying in the hands of his father. However, this is the same reason that he will work with those aspects of himself in order to save his humanity from just becoming flat out lost. Ash couldn’t evolve Pikachu because that would mean challenging his concept of who he was, which was something he wasn’t comfortable with while still working through his original issues.

The narrator is Ash’s higher mind, recapping and explaining the progress he’s made and the tribulations he will face, allowing itself insight into how best to awaken him.

Team Rocket’s methods gradually become more and more ludicrous because Ash is only a child dreaming these things up. That is why Team Rocket’s disguises are always believed. He knows it’s them (at least on a subconscious level), but chooses to ignore it so that he can better himself. In a sense, the Ash who wants to escape is sabotaging the Ash who wants to stay lost in his mind so that there can be more conflict, and hopefully an eventual escape. The escape being a consequence of coming to terms with who he is, as, mentioned previously, Team Rocket are a method for Ash to deal with grounds he’s uncomfortable with tackling on his own.

You may recall that early in the show there were animals and references to animals. For example, the fish in the aquarium of the Cerulean city gym, or that the Pokedex lists Pikachu as “rat-like”. These animals don’t matter to Ash’s psyche so they don’t come into play much. If Ash had loved puppies, everything would be about different breeds of dogs, and a dog fighting circuit, but as the series goes on, you see fewer realistic animals and more Pokemon. This could be a sign of Ash’s mind deteriorating. As he’s in the coma, he’s losing concepts of some animals and machinery and replacing them with Pokemon. It could explain things like electric Pokemon working as power generators; these are signs that his memory of the old world is slipping more and more as time goes by. The Pokemon realm will be idealized continuously the longer he has no stimulus from the real world. Ash may or may not be mentally deteriorating, but he is becoming more accustomed to his fake world’s rules. The wild Pokemon are his rationalization s for the functioning of his created fantasy. It’s the “a wizard did it” syndrome. If he doesn’t know how it works, his mind says Pokemon.

The Pokemon in Ash’s team, however, serve the purpose of displaying his issues and aspects of himself. For example, Charmander represents his sex drive (not his sexuality, like Brock). At first it’s a cute, easy thing to control, but eventually becomes a raging inferno of disobedience since Ash has no real understanding of his sexuality and thus has no way to vent or keep it in check. Bulbasaur was his unwillingness to change, reflected in when it declines to evolve and almost decided o stay behind unless he battled it. Squirtle was his willingness to follow the lead of others, as evidenced by the gang it ran with, even though he ran the gang, they were viewed as one group, and Ash’s subconscious just gave him the strongest one. Butterfree was his crushing loneliness, which he dealt with when he released it to join a flock. His bird types are his recklessness, always willing to sacrifice something at a moment’s notice for the win. When Ash is trading Pokemon, it’s an attempt to push his own problems away on someone else; however, he realizes this and usually trades back fairly quickly.

Not only are Ash’s Pokemon a manifestation of different parts of himself, the Pokemon of other trainers are as well. Koffing and Ekans were symbolic of Team Rocket’s willingness to change, hence their evolutions. Once his mind was able to overcome that roadblock and allow them to change once, it gave him the chance to truly change.

An interesting note is that Pupitar is a rationalization : a Pokemon that a rival caught before he met him. Even Ash would become suspicious if everyone he met had no carry-over from previous places he had been to.

Other trainers are more direct forms of his issues — ones that he must either come to terms with or outright suppress. Gym Leaders are more primary aspects of his personality, with each Pokemon being stronger than the last, to display a level of skill he could be capable of if only he gave into it. In effect, he is doing battle with a part of him that he would rather not have in control. Originally, Ash had the battles, which evolved into team battles and contests. The explanation for this is that his issues became more and more complicated, and the means of dealing with them needed to become more complex. The fact that he uses issues that he has already dominated to win these are signs that he’s growing stronger.

Ash releases his Pokemon because his mind is forcing him to let go of them. The second he raises an overpowered team, a tournament comes up, and after fighting his way through it he has to go to a new land for new challenges. But with an overpowered team, there won’t be any challenges, and no way to motivate him further, so the part of Ash that wants to stay in the coma and keep journeying releases his solved issues so that he can continue and overcome the unresolved ones. This is essentially his mind forcing him to deal with his issues.

Ash’s rivals and the Elite Four are ultimately the strongest part of this cycle. Having Pokemon that are essentially godlike, they represent both what can be attained and what is unattainable. Ash’s rivals are all possible future he envisions for himself (note that they are all older than him). This originated with Oak, someone Ash knew from real life and built up into a sort of god within his mind, but Oak progressed and changed to suit Ash’s vision of himself and his ultimate desire, eventually settling down into a professor role after beating the Elite Four. With Gary Oak in retirement, his mind needed a new rival for him, thus the births of Richie (the good aspect of his rivalry) and Paul.

Paul is his mind’s last ditch efforts to snap him out of this, to force Ash to actually come to terms that this perfect world is not the best option or path to waking up. Paul is Ash’s shadow, one that wants to push on even harder and harder, and the part of him that will stop at nothing to escape this coma world.

Mewtwo is a new form of treatment, done with electric impulses and a machine to knock Ash out of it, taking down every last one of his mental guards (the original Pokemon in the movie). In Ash’s mind, Mewtwo and his clones were (in the real world) the treatment for the mental safeguards that were protecting Ash and keeping him comatose: the Pokemon of his world. The clones were counters to the issues that Ash had thought solved, and so each appeared to Ash as the exact copy of his defense. The clones didn’t play by the rules of Ash’s world, they didn’t use any special Pokemon attacks or moves — they just beat down their counterpart through brute strength. The treatment was working.

There were side effects. The electric jolts were beginning to affect Ash’s nervous system, and if the treatment continued, he would be paralyzed. His mind manifested this in the dreamworld by petrifying him. Were it not for the end of the treatment by Ash’s mother (who knew her son wouldn’t want to live in a world he couldn’t explore), Ash would have remained as stone forever. After this, Ash needed to recover from the damage caused by the electric therapy. In order to reduce the danger Ash’s consciousness felt from it, his subconscious began downplaying the effects of electricity in his world, which is why Pikachu’s electric attacks — once noted for their strength by Team Rocket — no longer have any effect on Ash, other than comic relief.

As we can see, Ash may well have been trapped forever in this world. But like every dream, like everything, there is a beginning and an end. What would happen if Ash never recovered? In his hospital room, we see Delia, obviously distraught, talking to a doctor with a grim look on his face. He’s saying that their insurance is up, and the boy has had no change in brain activity for seven years. That the shock of taking him off life support has a very small chance of awakening him.

She tearfully agrees.

Back in Ash’s world, he has finally defeated the Elite Four, and one by one, the people around him start disappearing. Eventually, everything is black. Pikachu comes dashing towards him, glowing brighter and brighter in the darkness. Eventually he reaches Ash and the two embrace one last time.

Back in the hospital room, his life signs fading, Ash mutters his final words.

I…want to be…the very…best…

He will die, never having known his dream, except as naught but a dream. When he came back to reality, he knew it all for the lie it was, knew it as his imagination. Knowing that his efforts, ambitions and friends were nothing, he will let go.

As he utters his final phrase, he barely opens his eyes and sees the silhouette of his mother, her face hidden by her hands wiping away tears. They make eye contact, and one final realization fills him before he loses all strength.

He sees that his mother was holding out hope that he’d recover all that time. He sees her and finds that her hope had been broken as she’d come to the realization that she’d outlived her only child. He dies knowing that he is loved, but that it means the one person closest and most real to him is utterly crushed.

the lonely two.

sittin' on this chair breathing the polluted air

thinkin bout my life and its route to nowhere

thoughtful and kind? i must rewind and take these words back

i must be smokin' crack, being nice is only history to me

i'm careless and mean thats the new story ya see'

the vision in my eyes, i see only one guy

standin' there alone his name is i

me versus the earth is just a test thats worthless

can't win no how "the strongest"? our mother earth is.

tryna find another being that feels the land like i do

stares at the sky wishing they could fly high like i do

looks through each other and see whats needed for one another


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

random fact.

i have never cheated on any of my girlfriends.


Sunday, April 26, 2009


sometimes i don't even know why i do things, i just do them!
i'm very impulsive, its a good and bad thing.
makes life pretty interesting though in many ways

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

healthy much?

new diet

  1. water
  2. air

Monday, April 13, 2009

right now.

i can honestly say in my own way that i don't care about anything or anyone but myself and i'm improving. are these improvements noticeable? to my eyes only. the only eyes that matter. more changes to come.

note to self: where does the good go?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


saturday the 21st was a great entire day! not just the morning or night but the whole 24 hours, well technically it was more than that but whatever. i went to 2 of my good friends art shows in los angeles which were really good. can't wait for their next shows. friends that i haven't seen and missed dearly came to support as well. we exchanged hugs with subtle chit chat and parted ways making plans to meet up later. time passed and i received a call from an angel, picked her up and migrated to my friends house to meet up with everyone else. the night was filled with lots and lots and pretty much nothing but laughter. overall the night involved great art, great friends, mary jane, cold drinks and little to no sleep for almost everyone besides my baby girl<3

it was a good night.

Monday, March 2, 2009

keep in mind.

the worst thing anyone can do is hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to. don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you. the thing about falling in love is that if you do it right, you'll never hit the ground. life is too short to be anything but happy.
so kiss slowly
love deeply
forgive quickly
take chances and never have regrets
forget the past but remember what it taught you. sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything's okay, hold back the tears and walk away. if you want to see the rainbow you must walk through the rain. if you want true love you must go through the pain. women were made from a man's rib, not from his head to be superior, not fom his feet to be walked on, but from his side to be equal, from under the arm to be protected, and from next to the heart to be loved.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

a piece of realization.

today was a day to remember. i can honestly say i felt blissful for the first time in a long time. it was short lived but great. some friends and i indulged in an out of body experience. i grew closer to one of my friends, who's a great friend already but after today i see him as more of a brother and i love him very much. we opened up to each other, told stories and shared aspects of our lives we haven't shared with anyone. it felt really rewarding venting to someone who genuinely cares for me. we walked on the sands of my heaven on earth or (the beach) for everyone else and i just zoned out, enjoying the breeze and taking in the beautiful sight that is the ocean. i had a sudden intuitive perception of my life, or an epiphany if you will, just thinking about my life in different ways. processing how it was then, how it is now, and how it might possibly be in the coming years. i realized i missed certain feelings i once had. nostalgic about them even. a big one i missed, was being in love. not necessarily who i was in love with but just the overall feelings you receive from having such a strong emotional connection with another human being. its a legit sensation that simply can not be duplicated. i'm thankful for having had that chance to embrace its utter joy. even though it didn't end in a 'happily ever after', it was still an insightful journey that i took a lot from. speaking of the subject my 'love' life (or lack there of) is sort of at a stand still at the moment. girls have come and gone, but as great as they all were, none of them gave me that spark. they didn't mesmerize me every time i stared into their eyes. kind of stopped looking due to the fact that i haven't found anyone vaguely interesting in a long while. pondering whether or not i'd find a girl, someone recently came back into my life about a day or two ago. i missed her dearly, and to my surprise, she still gives me butterflies. she even makes me weak at my words. my world is kind of dark, and she's the light in my eyes. i'm really hoping she brightens up my days.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

there's always room.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed."Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

it's all too fucking much.

my brains in a frenzy trying to register new information that doesn't need to be in my brain! that doesn't want to be in my brain! i'm losing it CLOSE THE DOOR! where and why this has started? i know exactly when , yet i have no idea. i'm blacking out but remembering every single detail, i want to forget, i want to forget, i want to forget, I WANT TO FORGET, i want to forget, can i? is it a possibility or can i only push it down down down into the back of my head to only be brought up when triggered by a song, a joke, something particularly pertaining to the subject at hand, live your life, just live it, asegaeurgtoiaernhgad losing my mind slowly, it's scary. get the fuck out of my thoughts POOF........still there, drown it in booze, burn it in fire, laugh it away, just be quiet. is this really happening? i want this to be a dream so i can wake up and find bliss in knowing it was a trick played by my very own mind on myself, but the clues to proving its reality keep getting closer and closer. first the phone call, then the texts, then the fucking pictures and the titles, what the fuck is next?! i've finally lost it, i'm gone - sanity

Friday, January 2, 2009

2 0 0 9.

this year is the year i reinvent myself as a better person, in my eyes. Fuck what everyone else see's. the usual new years resolutions have been set (work out more, don't eat so much junk food, etc.) but i also set some goals which i am absolutely positive i will achieve by the end of this year. so no regrets, good luck to me, and i know i'll make it happen this year '09!