productive.

so in the last couple of months i've realized that i'm nowhere near where i want to be in life at this time and age. I find myself constantly day dreaming and contemplating where i should be at the present time, but can't seem to decipher what exactly is holding me back from my goals and dreams. I mean i see them, i know where i want to go, i'm trying to reach out for them but can't even seem to grasp the reach of my own reality. it's confusing and very stressful. my life consists mostly of drinking and smoking lately and for that reason i made the promise to myself to quit these bad habits until i get my act together, if not indefinitely. i'm not doing this as a self righteous act or some sort of rebellion, or for anybody for that matter. its all being done for myself. reason being; when it all comes down to it, the only person in the world you have to prove anything to is yourself. so thats what i intend to do in the next coming months, i plan to be nothing but productive and anybody who thinks differently and wants to hold me back, you can kindly step out of my life because your not helping me 'nor do i need you in any way shape or form.

hide and seek.

Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just
begun to fall, Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling. Spin me round again and rub my eyes. This can't be happening. When busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. All those years they
were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before. The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.

Hide and seek. Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch
me around here) Blood and tears, They were here first.

Mmm, what you say? Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course
you did. Mmm, what you say? Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah of course it is. Mmm, what you say? Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this. Mmm, what you say? What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.Mid-sweet talk,
newspaper word cut-outs.Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. Mid-sweet talk,
newspaper word cut-outs. Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you. You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit. You don't care a
bit. You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

apathy.

1. absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2. lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.


this was recently was taking a hold of my life in a huge way but i got ahold of it and its gotten a lot better in the past weeks. is it just me? or does life get somewhat of a real bore when you don't have any plans or a schedule to stick by. i don't know if its because boredom is such a common feeling amongst everybody that i find it so interesting that boredom and apathy come hand in hand, well at least for me it does.i'm going to invest myself into a handful of activities and what not to see what really intrigues me so i can pursue it and indulge in the pleasure of learning brand new information and using it, especially because it's something i want to know more about.i need a schedule to stick to or at least write down 2 or 3 things i want to do by certain times in the day. i will make it. i will follow it. i will enjoy it. so should everybody else.

three years.

B.S.F

its really hard to believe that she's finally gone. out of sight and out of reach. not for a day, not for a week, not even for a month, but for three years. its just going to be a weird adjustment not being able to talk to her everyday like usual. the tearful goodbye didn't help either, damn kooks(those fuckers) "Babe i already miss you, Sweetheart i already miss you, Sweeteyes i already miss you, And you only just walked out the door". way too many laughs we won't have in the next thirty six months but we'll make up for them when your back because i made a promise and i plan on keeping that promise no matter what happens in the next coming years. i love you bianca sheree flournoy, i'll see you when your back in my arms.<3

was, is.

for some reason, no matter how hard i try i can't seem to get my head out of the past. it was great then and now its a pleasant memory, but late at night i stay up;{unintentionally} reminiscing, i mean i don't know if its the insomnia or maybe the millions of thoughts that choose to run through my mind at 1:00am but its been a recurring thing lately. i appreciate the past because in some ways its what builds your future. so i guess this is a "farewell" to my past. they will always be with me as memories but nothing more than that. no longer will i let my present life and future life be disrupted with the struggle of past ghosts leading me to figure out if i should be here or there, or who should still be in my life or out of my life. it all had an important roll then and slight importance now but what was was and what is is and thats the end of it.

acceptance.

awkward in a state of mind

trapped in my own thoughts

forget it all to once again feel bliss

i cant make it...

i cant make it again...

i cant make it on my own

shes self absorbed in succeeding in life

karma plays its roll in downsizing your small riches

liquid happiness fades with the music you live to

once again, reality sets in...

sets in to push your adolescent mind to sorrow n' slumber

come back at once...

come back tonight...

come with or come none

love is divine, love is a choice

in a sense to say your a "chosen one"

..i made the choice to pursue it threw

we can make it

we can make it out to shine

she yearns so much to be dependent on no one but herself...

the thought of living in poverity kills her inside...

repeating the life of the one who gave her this gift of being, drives her to make no mistakes

her bittersweet persona brings me to life...

confused in a nutshell she struggles to make sense of the feelings within her heart...

our hands intertwine and time stands still in my mind...

an understatement would be to say im on cloud nine

the days without you seem endless

when the days together pass like a flash

your shocked to learn im not phased by your actions

just forget what you thought

lets burn out like matches...

7-8-05

.fasho